It's been 4 weeks since that New Year's Resolution of yours to get more out of your time in the Bible. Like most, you've probably already let this promise to yourself, and to God, drop by the wayside. Let me spur you on! You can make more of your time with God. Let His word richly encapsulate your heart and mind. Pick those efforts back up and be self-disciplined (after all, it is a spiritual fruit). That's the difficult part about spiritually based resolutions, often times it is actually 2 resolutions in 1~ whatever it is that you are wanting to develop into your life AND developing the self-discipline to do it. Remember, our strength comes from the Lord. Take heart! Don't quit; don't give in! Be victorious for His glory!
   And at the risk of writing something we have all heard 100 times and we already know, spending time in the word of God shouldn't be something we need to psych ourselves up to do. It should just be a given. Yes, we all can do better at it (even you and I). That is where the thrust of my point comes from this morning. Sometimes we set the bar too low. With no real challenge, we grow bored or inconvenienced by the whole thing. When we set an unrealistically easy goal of "Reading the Bible more,"  we are really only admitting to ourselves that we aren't doing that which we know we need to do, rather than digging in deep for something more. When we expect more from our time with God, the Holy Spirit is able to develop our character much more than we could have ever imagined.
   By now you may have hit the "boring parts" of the Old Testament  and that's why you gave up on reading through the Bible this year, or your quiet time has dissolved into just praying (if you have a time alone with God at all). But was "finally reading through the Bible" really the reason you set out to read through it in the first place? Wasn't the real impetus more about getting closer with God and having a deeper understanding who He is? Sure, some portion of your desire maybe had something to do with finally cracking the gold leaf edging on some portions of scripture you've never opened before, but hopefully that was merely secondary... an added bonus of time spent with the Lord. Push through! Pick it back up and focus on who He is. Confess the trappings of old that still ensnare your frail humanity today. Figure out the unique connections that point to Jesus throughout all of scripture. 
   Personally, I am trying harder this year to memorize verses of the Bible. It's been one of those things that I merely dabble in and each year my efforts seem to fall short of my original intentions, which only serves to highlight my own idleness. Hopefully this year, God will grant me the self-discipline to see things through.
   May He do the same for you in all the ways that you want to honor Him this year.

Who is Jesus to you? This is life’s most fundamental question; one who’s answer should dictate your decisions and actions.
   But I want to be crystal clear. Acknowledging Jesus does not equate to having faith in Him.  When confronted by someone who asks you about Christianity and you respond that you “believe” in Jesus but that response is simply some knee jerk reaction to some long forgotten childhood upbringing and not a byproduct of having “a daily walk” with Him, you are just acknowledging Him. If you simply ask others to pray for this person you know or that situation you are aware of, but your life bears no fruit of actually believing that He can make a difference in YOUR life, then you are simply acknowledging Him. It’s the spiritual equivalent to the “nod of acknowledgement” done by high-school boys walking up and down the hallway. And this is a dangerous place to be. You need to prepare yourself.
   Matthew 7:21-23  “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?’  And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness.’
   **See also Rev. 3:14-22
  Many might respond by saying that this statement is based in fear, and God is love and love drives out fear; a sentiment derived from 1 John 4:18. And you would be correct, though misguided and I would say you’ve missed the larger point John was making. Even simply reading the rest of the verses around it (and the small book as a whole), you would see that this love is in the context of abiding in Christ- a faithful trusting, a leaning your entire being on and in Him day to day. At this point you should also continue reading the first few verses of 1 John 5 and come to grips with the correlation of those who love Him are those who follow His commandments.
    The “fear” some are trying so hard to dismiss easily is the same sort of thing that we can think about in a marriage. Saying I love Carla doesn’t give me the opportunity to sin or live unfaithfully day-to-day. If I say I love my wife and cheat on her, sleep around with other women, go behind her back and flirt with everyone, and I don’t have any fear… I would be a fool. That’s an extreme example, but the same applies if I were to tone it down some. If I say I love my wife but when we meet someone new, I introduce her by saying, “Oh! Her? Oh she’s just my wife,” and I have no fear… Again, I’m a fool. A certain fear of only acknowledgement rather than being devoted to my wife helps remind me of what love looks like, what abiding looks like.
    Acknowledging Jesus is not confession. It isn’t commitment. It isn’t submitting to His Lordship in your life. It certainly isn’t a faith that saves. Come ask me questions about how to turn the corner in your spiritual life and gain fervor for having an actual relationship with the One True God. Admit that you are a sinner. Believe that God sent Jesus to pay for your sins. Commit your life to Him. Whether you see this as the Easiest Hard Decision you’ll ever have to make or the Hardest Easy Decision you’ll ever have to make, make today be the day you answer life’s most fundamental question.

Many of you, by now, have heard my humbling story from my time doing some disaster relief in Nepal. It centers on how everyone does everything in flip flops. Walking up a mountain for 4 hours with 40-60 pounds strapped to your head and back, well then... You should be wearing flip flops. Clearing broken glass, building rubble, and debris? Clearly flip flops are your footwear of choice. It's not that there aren't shoes there; most choose the simplicity of a thin piece of rubber between two toes and under their feet to get things done.
   I equate this to how we Christians, here in America, tend to tackle any problem. We tend to throw money at an issue and/or claim that we "need" this bit of equipment or that essential training before we can do something of value for the Kingdom of God. In all actuality, most of this is just encumbrance, things that get in the way of the Spirit doing something amazing in your midst. All we really need is a pair of spiritual flip flops.  
   The real trick is figuring out what those things are that the Holy Spirit has gifted us with. They are going to be different for everyone and certainly won't look the same from one person to the next. Over the past few weeks, I've been trying to think about what two "flip-flops" I wear. How has God uniquely knit me for His service? First, there is the desire to serve people at their point of need. Coming to the rescue, helping them in times of trouble, being side by side in ministry that may not necessarily be my own. Secondly, would be the desire to share the gospel/disciple through friendship. Meeting people and engaging them with the Word and how it can impact their lives. 
  If you had to strip away everything you think you "need" for ministry, what would you be left with? What, other than a relationship with the Almighty, Provider, Counselor, <insert descriptor here>, would you say is the core of who you are and how you operate in ministry if nothing else gets in the way? Is it time for you to lay some things aside in an effort to become unencumbered and allow the purity of the gospel to shine through in your ministry and your life?


Romans 12:4-8 4 For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5 so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your[a] faith; 7 if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; 8 if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,[b] do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

Fencing is one of those sports that you quickly realize where you are "on the food chain." You either get crushed by the person you're fencing (or you're the one doing the crushing) or you hold your own and come away with either a close win or loss. It's also one of those sports where it is easy to get into the rut of fencing the same people over and over. This sort of unchallenging engagement doesn't force you to learn anything new which only perpetuates where you are on that food chain. On the other hand, when you have bouts consistently against people who are better than you (who might crush you), that's when innovation is sparked, something clicks, and you can start to hold your own at a higher level of fencing. 
   Timothy had one of those moments last night. Trying to take himself seriously, he stepped out onto the fencing strip against several opponents. Two of them he clearly outclassed, but then he faced off the person at the club who is by far the best fencer in his age bracket. She's been fencing for 5 years and several of those with private lessons from a world renown coach, she's rated far above Tim, she's fenced all over the country and (if I'm not mistaken) some international tournaments as well with many medals and trophies to show for it. Though Timothy is notably regarded as ridiculously good for his 9 months of three-hours-a-week experience, she really should have devoured him AND his saber for dinner and then called for seconds. 
   But something clicked and Tim was able to show how much untapped potential he has. In the end, the score had Tim losing the bout 11-15, BUT there were easily 3 points that his blade missed her by a hair's breadth and she in turn only hit him with that same hair's breadth; and there was a point or two that could have gone either way. There were also more than a handful of times where other people in the crowd watching hooped, hollered, and OOoohhh!!-ed right along with me (I even jumped out of my seat a time or two) as Tim scored some fantastic points. After the bout, this gal who never really gave Timothy the time of day, started smiling and talking with him with a new found respect for him and his abilities. The score may have indicated that he lost, but he came away the winner last night.
   Spiritually speaking, how have you dipped into your untapped potential lately? Have you challenged yourself in some regard or has complacency and dusty routine dictated your lack of growth? The Bible is very clear that the Holy Spirit grants us particular spiritual gifts. But what we do with them is clearly up to us. It's sort of like Timothy and his fencing. Sure, I can get him the gear he needs and drive him to the club. He can even go through the motions of doing warm ups and fencing people. But it is only when we decide to take on a real challenge that the power of the potential within us... the Holy Spirit, will shine through. What in your spiritual life needs to happen for you to take the next step in living out a maximal faith?
Romans 12:6-8 We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.

In early December, I had the opportunity to work for Samaritan's Purse and Operation Christmas Child (OCC), an organization that delivers shoeboxes full of toys and necessities to children in need of hope around the world. Many of you are familiar with those red cardboard shoe boxes and have been donating for several years. I helped out at one of the nine "Processing Centers" around the country. These Centers are the next step after the collection centers receive your boxes. Once there, each of the 8.5 million shoeboxes will be inspected before they are shipped overseas. With the experience I gained working at the Processing Center in Maryland, I wanted to give you a little bit of insight and some suggestions about how to pack your shoebox for next year.
Not all shoeboxes are created equal

1. Consider using the free boxes that OCC distributes. These are called "Go Boxes." This helps out in several ways, two of which are: A) They are lightweight and as we know, weight factors into getting things from one place to another. Whether its gas for the truck to get them from the collection center to the shipping yard or the mule that carries them to distribution points, weight is a factor. B) They are mathematically perfect for fitting into the larger cartons that they are packed in before shipping overseas. At the processing center, a "perfect carton" is a box with zero air in it due to odd ball shoebox shapes. You can get 23 OCC Go Boxes in a perfect carton which is 8 to 9 more than the average carton, which means less shipping containers, which in turn means less shipping costs.
2. For those of you with generous hearts and think, "I'm going to fill that BOOT box I have in the closet!" Stop and take an extra moment to consider not only the cartonizing and shipping of that box, but more importantly think of the situation at the other end at distribution. Certainly, you are making one child extremely happy, but you might be causing sadness or jealousy to the children sitting next to him who only gets a normal sized shoebox, which in turn may cause that one child you blessed to feel more awkward than blessed. Consider instead making 2 boxes and blessing 2 kids!
3. Many of us pack our boxes with those plastic containers which are roughly shaped like shoeboxes. Yes, these are great for keeping moisture out and are wonderful items in themselves as they might be a durable box for the child to use for something else, but please know three things. A) There is a potential for them to break. They get somewhat brittle when they endure the cold of collection centers, trucks, processing centers, more trucks, and shipping containers here north of the equator. And there is a lot of shifting, lifting, and dropping of cartons along the way. If they get damaged before the processing center, things are repacked in a new cardboard box at the Processing Center's Shoebox Hospital. B) Although they are somewhat shoebox size, they are more trapezoidal and actually cause quite a bit of empty space in each carton. C) If you do use them, consider wrapping the inside of them so kids can't see in. From what I understand, many if not most of the distribution centers hold an event when passing the shoeboxes out. As each child is given a box, they are told that they have to wait for everyone to get one before they can open it. Wrapping on the inside increases the excitement and anticipation during this short period of time and adds a whole lot of fun.

Packing your box

1. OCC provides a handy dandy list of what is good and what is inappropriate to put in your shoebox gift. Stick to it. No liquids, no chocolate that can melt, no camouflage shirts or hats, no weapon-type toys, no nail polish, no glass, etc. Things that you can consider that ARE appropriate: tools such as hammer and nails and wrenches, sewing supplies, scissors.
2. Consider packing for older children. It's easy to get wrapped up in the toys and pretty little socks and such, but preteens need some love too.
3. Put any envelopes, cards, and money on top. All envelopes are inspected for currency because any money found at the other end could endanger the child. This inspection includes personal cards and letters. They will be opened and inspected before going back into the shoebox, so consider not sealing shut those envelopes, that way the inspectors won't have to cut or rip them open. 
4. Put something about yourself in it! Like a picture, personal letter, favorite verse of scripture, something about the place where you live, etc. Over the several weeks I was at the Processing Center, I heard several testimonials from adults who were children that once received boxes long ago and how those personal touches and connections stood out to them as being tokens of love from real people who cared.
5. Worried that your box doesn't have enough in it? That's OK! Though they aren't in the business of filling up boxes that are completely empty, OCC has business partners that happily donate items for the inspection team to use to fill any empty space that might occur in a box.

Sealing your box

1. Just use a single rubber-band to hold the lid on from your drop-off point to the Processing Center. Each box will be opened and inspected, so anything more to keep the box closed just adds to the workload to the inspection team. It will be TAPED SHUT at the end of the inspection process.
2. Wrapping your shoebox is uber fun for the kids at the other end, just keep in mind two simple things. A) Don't wrap it in such a way that the wrapping paper completely seals the box. Again, it will be inspected, so it has to be opened. Inspectors try to respect the wrapping paper as best they can, but they will cut their way through it if they have to, to make sure all is right on the inside. B) Remember that TAPE that I mentioned a second ago? Big two inch wide white tape with the words Samaritan's Purse in big bold red letters emblazoned on it. Keep your efforts simple knowing that a portion of it will be taped over. Bows, ribbons, and such mostly get put inside the box during inspection to help with fitting shoe boxes into cartons.
3. If you have to sit on your box to close it or it looks like there is an inflated football in there when there is no football, it's too full! Gently full is the term OCC uses. We want gently full boxes, people. If when you push on the top it pops back up a fraction of a bit, then you're perfect. If instead it springs up back at you like a "snake in a can" gag gift, it's too full, and you should consider making a second box. Better yet, don't consider... just make a second box.
4. Make sure to put a label on it and mark the appropriate age and gender. Maybe consider printing off a "Follow Your Box Label," from their website so you can know what country your box wound up in.

Pray

1. Pray for all the workers and volunteers who do everything that needs to be done to get the shoe boxes to their destinations. They are real people, some of whom are going through some tough stuff of their own, and they themselves can use extra prayer during this time of year.
2. Pray for the ministers of the gospel that will bring the message of hope to the children receiving these gifts. Pray that the discipleship that comes from this ministry is fruitful and multiplies.
3. Continue to pray for the child who will receive your shoebox gift. Mid-November is usually when we drop off our shoeboxes at some drop off point before they travel to a collection center. It's easy for us in America to quickly put Christmas aside and out of minds once December is over (Here it is January 3rd and my family just packed up and put away all our decorations). But some of these shoeboxes will not get to their destinations until February or March. Continue to pray for the young recipients, that their hearts would be softened during this time. Pray that the Holy Spirit of God would woo them in the unique and powerful ways and speak hope into their hearts. 

Last summer, my son was introduced to the sport of fencing. He had a great time and learned a bunch. It was one of the first things that he tried that made him realize he still had a lot to learn. This summer he was able to get into a once a week class which helped to round out his beginner skills. He enjoyed it so much we decided to enroll him in a week long camp at the same facility which started while his weekly class was wrapping up. All this fencing has only fueled his desire to learn and do more. By this point in time, he had even decided which weapon he enjoyed most and wanted to concentrate more on. As he has progressed through the camp, his coach has taken an interest in Tim and he thinks Tim could go far in the sport. It's one of those opportunities that Carla and I can't let slip by. We talked it over as a family and Tim recognized the need for discipline to continue in a sport that will require quite a bit of finagling by the family as a whole to maintain (schedule-wise and financially). He understands that some weeks will simply require more effort than others because his emotions won't always be consistent. That certain weeks, he will simply need to power through when things aren't going so well. With summer ending and school about to start up, things will only get more congested in terms of time, but in the end, we all think it will be worth it for him to pursue what God is doing in this tightly knit circle of the fencing community. 
Disciplines are great things for us to work on as Christians, frankly because (like fencing) there are so many. One of the books I like to recommend to people is Donald S. Whitney's Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life. This short book is a wonderful treasure trove of ways we can stretch our faith for the purpose of developing Godliness in our lives. Obviously, things like Bible intake and prayer are in there- and these chapters aren't some simple overview of age old traditions, but rather they help to make us really see and understand why we are doing these things and why we should be doing these things. There are also other disciplines that Whitney explores such as journaling, fasting, and one especially poignant for this day and age- silence and solitude (written back in 1991: two or three years before the internet became popular and roughly 10 years before cell phones started landing in everyone's pocket). The book itself isn't very long and reading it would definitely come under the heading of one of the disciplines he lists- Learning for the Purposes of Godliness. No matter where you are in your walk with the Lord, I suggest you take a look at this fantastic book.
And as you look at your own schedule for the upcoming fall season no matter what stage of life you are in, may you too endeavor to not just add some new thing or hobby or sport into your routine, but also a commitment to a more spiritually disciplined life.

**PS. On a lighthearted note, raising a son always comes with the reminders to "not hit others", at least in the early years.  Carla and I do find it odd that we have gotten to the place now with Tim entering fencing where we are OK with sticking a sabre in our son's hand and telling him to go out and hit another kid in the head/torso with it. Not only that, but we find ourselves sitting next to the parents of the aforementioned kid and we can both talk, laugh, smile, and cheer as their child does the same to Tim.
***PSS. Tim came home from camp today and told me how fencing is the safest sport there is. I neglected to tell him that yesterday his coach related a story to me of how he and one of his students once both drew blood at the same time while they were warming up for a competition. SHHHhhhh! Don't tell him.

Over the years, there have been several things that have stuck in my mind from the pages of God's word. One of them is the word fervent. It is used several places in the NASB translation, and I am always blessed when I see it used in the lives of people. 
    It's a concept I think we can always use a little more of in our lives. The intended idea of fervent in the Greek is one of stretching out to a maximum limit and an intention that is without ceasing. The ultimate example of this can be found in Luke 22:44, "And being in agony He (Jesus) was praying very fervently; and His sweat became like drops of blood, falling down upon the ground." Let me ask you... when was the last time any of us prayed so fervently that we even perspired, let alone sweat so profusely that it dripped to the ground like blood running off our heads?!?
   Fervent comes up only a few other places in the New Testament and one of them is in my favorite passage in the Bible: Romans 12:9-21. Verse 11 says, "not lagging behind in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord;" The thought here is to be continually seeking to serve God from a place of perpetual/constant growth in the spirit. And let us not forget that the context for this verse is serving others in love.
   Which brings me to my last reference today. 1 Peter 1:22, " Since you have in obedience to the truth purified your souls for a sincere love of the brethren, fervently love one another from the heart, for you have been born again not of a seed which is perishable but imperishable, that is, through the living and enduring word of God. (verse 23 added for emphasis)" Love is one of our greatest assets and we should desire to use it maximally in every facet of our day.
   May we be a people who seek to live out our fervent spiritual life - seeking ways to live it out maximally, rather than figuring out what the minimum is that we could get away with and still be considered righteous. May we be a people who stretch out and fervently love others as Jesus did on the cross. 

Grace, Opportunity, Dignity

It’s that time of year again. Those days where you reflect on New Year’s resolutions that you’ve already long forgotten. Maybe you simply shrug your shoulders at some. Maybe you actually feel a little disappointed in yourself. Some probably even warrant laughing at yourself, “How could you possibly be so silly as to think you could…” On the other hand, some aren’t (or shouldn’t) be cast off so easily.

Many Christians resolve to read their Bibles more. Many only follow through for a short time, and then “life” gets in the way, or at least that’s the excuse we use. But I would contend that this spiritual discipline is one that should be hard pressed for. Be sacrifical with your time. Make the effort to actually move forward and read God’s Word.

Allow me to issue you a challenge. At the date of this post (February 3rd) there are 76 days until Easter and there are 27 books in the New Testament. Try reading the entire New Testament before Easter Sunday. This might be a change for many of you who may only read 3 or 4 chapters during the occasional sitting. Coincidentally, there are 260 chapters in the New Testament making for a daily regimen of 3.5 chapters a day for the next 76 days, but that’s not what I’m suggesting in this post. Read on faithful reader…

My challenge to you is to read whole books of the New Testament in a single sitting. I understand this flies in the face of many Bible study advocates and I can already hear their laments, “How much will you be missing if you read that much at one sitting?” And my rebuttal is two fold. While certainly, this isn’t how you would always want to study the Word, 1) I would argue that most people, who aren’t especially apt to read more than 3 or 4 chapters a day, when they actually sit down long enough for some quiet time, can hardly remember what happened in chapter 2 of a book like Acts, and how it may or may not impact the events they read in chapter 28 a week and a half later. This leads me to my second fold… 2) Reading whole books in one sitting can illuminate familiar material in new ways. Books, that we’ve studied in the past with small groups or through some sermon series that took months, take on a whole new light and perspective when we can read them beginning to end (as they were intended to be read). Themes and important points come to the surface that may have eluded us, even through prior meticulous study.

I hope to encourage you to actually follow through with this, but I do have some closing tips/suggestions/whatevers to make your time not only easier to manage, but also help it be more than just checking off a box.

A) Read in a version that is easy to read, but that isn’t your "normal" version. This way it forces you to actually read what is there and the language itself will be new. I would suggest the NIV or ESV. If you already use both of those, try the NASB.

B) I know I am talking about reading whole books in one sitting, but longer books are long. Don’t feel bad about splitting up the reading some, but don’t take longer than 3 sittings with any one particular book.

C) As good as a study of reading one gospel after another can be, this probably isn’t the time for that challenge. My suggestion would be to read a gospel and then read 3 or 4 other books before going on to another gospel, just so you don’t feel like you’ve read the same thing over and over.

D) Take the extra time to think of the answers to these following questions on a grand scale (Maybe meditate on them throughout your day)

1. What does this book teach me about who God is?
   
2. What does this book teach me about who man is, or my sinful nature?
   
3. Is there a sin to avoid?
   
4. Is there a command to follow?
   
5. How does God expect my spiritual life to flourish from the reading of this book?
   
   

E) It’s okay to miss a day. Get back to it the next day. Realistically, you can probably do the whole New Testament in less than 40 days (17 of the 27 books are six chapters or less and 4 of those are only one chapter!), but the heart of what I am encouraging you to do IS NOT about the math and how much you need to read and when you will likely wrap up and how much to make up after missing a day, etc. It’s about generating a love for time spent with God in His Word. Take the time. Enjoy spending it at His feet. Cultivate this spiritual discipline to the point where doing it is the norm and not doing it feels like you left your wallet at home.

Try reading Colossians followed by Philemon today. How are they related? Hint: it has to do with the people. How does a better understanding of Colossians inform how you read Philemon?

My family and I are unashamed Phineas and Ferb fans. And I am always partial to the Heinz Doofenshmirtz storyline. Maybe it is his whimsical style of trying to take over the world or maybe there is some evil scientist element within me that is always trying to think of ways to take over something. I've even already have plans for a costume complete with a working "-inator" for this year whenever the need arises. Anyway, below is a series of Facebook posts that started off simply enough, but escalated quickly. Why post these here? Just because it was too silly and sometimes I crack myself up (even if I am the only one in the room).

Feeling very Heinz Doofenshmirtz-y this morning. ***sits down to draw up plans for a Squidgeemcdiggit-inator 
'MUAHAHAHAHAHA 

Ahh Perry the Platypus... What a remarkable entrance. And by that I mean totally MARKABLE! See, I thought you would land here as you crashed through the sliding glass door. Look, I even drew in your fancy 3 point stance. And now I have you in my traaAAaap.

BEHOLD!!! My Squidgeemcdiggit-inator! You see Perry the Platypus, just the other day I was talking with this grocery bagger guy at the check out line. You know the type... plays tetris with your groceries to get them in the bags, but this guy isn't very good at it and only puts like 3 things in each bag and tries to make up for it by being overtly friendly and talkative in hopes that you won't notice. Well, he was using these 5 dollar words, when a 10 cent word would do. You know, words that sound like real words but no one knows what they are... Like they got that Word-a-day calendar for Christmas and have been memorizing it since then so they would sound more intelligent than they really are. I hate those guys! So I created THIS... The Squidgeemcdiggit-Inator! It causes people to make up words and use them over and over in conversation! Soon everyone will be using words that no one will understand, and in the ensuing communication break down and chaos I will take over the Northern Virginia, DC, Maryland AREA! It's sort of like the tri-state area, but only larger.

And now my semi-aquatic egg laying mammal of action friend, I only need to point the Squidgeemcdiggit-inator out of sliding glass door, you so conveniently broke on your way in. Seriously, next time just knock or something. And then I pull this lever and I will shoot green bolts of linguistic confoundity all over the place AND the internet. Social media will be agasp with all the confusing words from people during the day!

***points the Squidgeemcdiggit-inator out the sliding glass door. 
AND NOW, I will just put this on an automatic random firing pattern... 
***pulls lever
PEW PEW PEW...
and now Perry the Platypus, I am off to the dentist. Good oral hygiene is an essential quality of a tyrannical ruler. And I need a haircut. You can never go too far with personal grooming. Have fun trying to escape from that elaborate necktie trap I have you ensconced within.
***leaves the room

Oh, hello Perry the Platypus. I forgot you were even here. I see you are still stuck in those neckties. That one is particularly obnoxious. It's the Eldritch Knot. I don't know what connection it has with H.P. Lovecraft, but it makes you look like Cthuhlu with your fingers all stuck around your chin like that. 
***PEW PEW PEW out the broke glass door.
AHh, I see that my Squidgeemcdiggit-inator is still functioning properly. 
***An android steps into the room
What is it Virgil? ...
No, you may not invite your squidgeemcdiggit robot cousin Norm over.
No, I don't care if he needs your technique of making Cheeseballs.
What do you mean he is on the phone? Just tell him then! 
NO NO He can't come over. 
Tell him to tell Heinz I say, "Hello, and that I love that Youtube thing he's been doing. 
Perry, do you need to tell Heinz anything?
Is that noise even a word? OH WAIT A SECOND... has my -inator worked on you too??? MUAHAHAHAHAHA

***PEW PEW PEW
Hey Perry the Platypus, it's really cold outside. How about I make us some nice warm macaroni and cheese? Perry the Platypus? Hey... Where did you g-
***WHACK, PUNCH, KICK
Hey cut that out... OW! Stop that!
***Doobie Doobie Doo Ba Doobie Doobie Doo
Seriously! OW. Your foot is in my face!
***A thrown fedora sails through the air
NONONO Not the self destruct button!
***BOOOOOOM!
Curse you Perry the Platypus!
***Agent P
Ahh Squidgeemcdiggit.

There you have it... if you've read this far and are wondering who is this guy, read some of the other posts to get a better picture. A more serious post is on it's way; I just wanted to share this one while the giggles were still in the air.