Every so often, things get a little too serious. Am I right? In those moments, I go back to Facebook and Twitter and look over the last several weeks and find the funniest things my friends, and family, (and strangers for that matter) have posted that made me laugh and I compile a top ten list here on the blog to share with this serious world. You never know when something YOU've posted might show up here! As always, names have been removed to protect the hilarious.
1. "When having a smackerel of something with a friend, don't eat so much that you get stuck in the doorway trying to get out." Winnie the Pooh
2. My 2nd grader just told me, "Mom, don't bother looking at my homework. You won't be able to understand it."
3. "Some folks don't deserve thumbs."
4. "If you ever got sick from playing a kazoo, it would be a humbug."
5. "You know you have issues when you don't want to use a GPS because you HATE being told what to do."
6. "History will someday explain how, early in the 21st century, all the pastors' wives suddenly became smokin' hot."
7. "I believe the children are our future" -Hopeful song lyric now made depressing because of that Honey Boo Boo show.
8. Mom to 4 of 5 kids: "What r u doing downstairs?" Kids: "Reading where it's quiet & there are no moms yelling at the football game."
9. "Teacher, you look like Britney Spears. But the good version, like before she went crazy and shaved her hair and stuff."
10. A first grader telling her Dad about her soccer game: "A grandma for the other team was yelling, "kick it in the goal!" And I was yelling, "DON'T LISTEN TO GRANDMA!!"
I just finished the first week of a training program that is supposed to get me off the couch and running a 5K (3.1 miles) in nine short weeks. The first week involves a 25 minute workout that alternates 60 seconds of jogging with 90 seconds of walking, three times per week. As the program progresses, walking time will decrease and jogging time will increase. Yikes!
In the spirit of not taking myself or this very minor accomplishment too seriously, here are the top five things I learned prior to 7am today during my 25 minutes of jog/walking:
1. Ants, apparently, get up earlier than I do and are tougher than I am. As I was stretching at the track before my workout, I noticed little bits of "stuff" moving slowly on the ground beneath my feet. I realized they were hundreds of tiny ants carrying food-stuffs many times their body weight to an unknown location. They reminded me that I have a hard enough time carrying my own body weight. Show offs.
2. An idea of blogging about a Taylor Swift song and relating it to a deep spiritual truth, is probably the runner's high talking. Mid-way through my jog/walk, I actually had this "brilliant" idea to somehow relate Taylor's single "Our Song" to my relationship with God. Those endorphins can create CRAZY TALK in your brain, I tell ya. Beware!
3. The only place it is acceptable for me to wear spandex shorts is at the track at 6:00am when no one else is around. I think I burned more calories constantly adjusting those crazy shorts to keep them from sliding down or riding up than I did while actually jogging/walking. Thank God for long, baggy t-shirts.
4. Getting spiritual while exercising is for the advanced, not the amateur. Toward the end of my workout, as I finally realized this was going to end (eventually) and wasn't, in fact, going to kill me, I had the bright idea to pray for my friends and family during each of the 90 seconds of walking (praying for myself was all I could manage during the 60 seconds of jogging... more specifically, praying that I'd suck it up and not be a wuss and quit). Sounds reasonable enough, right, except that when I would pray while I walked I would lose track of time and the 90 seconds of blessed walking would go by too fast or I'd feel gipped somehow or I'd go longer than 90 seconds and mess up the rules of the workout plan (I'm nothing if not a rule follower). Bah! #AmateurProblems
5. Having something poking you in your shoe while jogging can make you look insane. If you were hiding behind a tree or sitting in a car somewhere, or were flying overhead in an airplane, or had concealed yourself in some other way this morning, and you had the misfortune of watching my workout while I thought I was all alone - I apologize and I feel I must explain. I HAD SOMETHING IN MY SHOE! All those crazy moves, random kicks and shakes, and the stomping, and toe tapping all while trying to continue moving in a forward direction without falling down, must have made me look a bit off my rocker. Perhaps I am...
Starting on Friday, I will be jogging for 90 seconds and walking for 2 minutes for a total of 25 minutes a day, three times per week. Heaven help me! I'll keep ya posted on the hilarity that ensues and the poignant lessons learned. I know you're on the edge of your seat.
PS - I love the little girl in the picture above. I don't know her, but I love her. I found her on Pinterest. I am not making fun of her, I am making fun of myself... she is, quite obviously, trying to dodge the bubbles that are about to land on her head and that is serious business indeed.
There are always random things that need to be done this time of year in the build up to Christmas morning.
Sometimes they are routine Christmas-time tasks: shopping for stocking stuffers, baking, wrapping gifts, etc. Other times they are just plain random, end of the year, gotta-get-this-done-or-else things. I don't know about you, but I am feeling a bit overwhelmed by the random at the moment.
Here is a glimpse at the random tasks which are nagging at me to get them completed in the next 48 hours (that's right, this blog post is a glorified to do list... you can email me yours if it will make you feel better):
1 - Purchase ingredients and oversee Timmy as he makes his last batch of ice cream of the year. (Doesn't everyone make homemade ice cream when it is 32 degrees outside?!?!)
2 - Go for a much needed walk with a friend. (Doesn't everyone go for walks when it is 32 degrees outside... and raining?)
3 - Get bids from contractors for a project at work (mmhmmm, the easiest thing in the world is to get building project estimates the week leading up to Christmas...when it is cold... and raining... too bad my friend isn't a contractor... we could have just walked by the office, taken a few measurements, and killed two birds with one stone!)
4 - Write a grant application, photocopy it 12 times and submit it (for work) This one is straight-forward. I like it!
5 - Figure out how a bat got in the house today (not the baseball kind) and make sure it NEVER does again. *shudder*
6 - Buy more toothpaste. We have plenty, but it is the WRONG KIND. Toothpaste is one of those things I just can't compromise on... It is Crest or nothing, baby.
7 - Make arrangements to go see "Chipwrecked" with my Timmy. He's chompin' at the bit, folks.
8 - Make turkey chili, and turkey sloppy joes, and turkey tacos. (Why oh why did I buy a giant container of ground turkey and then why oh why did I decide to defrost it THIS WEEK when I really don't want to be in the kitchen?) Anyone want to come over for... turkey?
9 - Return one large mixing bowl, one cookie tin, two pitchers, one tupperware container, 12 hot glue guns, and 12 pairs of scissors to their rightful owners. I should not be trusted to borrow things, people!
10 - Get the laundry done and put away... perhaps this isn't a very random task, pretty routine actually, but I couldn't stop at 9 random things... it would have been too random. Ten is a nice round number!
Whew! I didn't get any of these random things done in the last 20 minutes, but I feel better now that it is all typed out. I'm thankful that in the middle of all of this randomness there are people I adore and blessings I am unworthy of, but so grateful for... a job, friends, a dear son and husband, a home, warm clothes, food, and a faith that gives EVERYTHING meaning. It's a good, weird, life! :)
Carla Ritz. Proof positive that God uses cracked pots!